im so annoyed with the whole situation. im frustrated with having to think about it constantly. this really is one more thing to worry about and i dont think its fair. im beginning to believe that maybe i dont need any of this on my plate right now... ugh.

at home. listening to american hi fi. yup yup. i got off of work and stared cleaning my room. its nice. oh i bought a battery for my manual camera but thing is its the wrong size. i have to go back to radio shack to exchange it for the right kind. it such a nice day outside. i feel like just going out to take photos. ??? i wouldnt mind going with troy but he didnt answer his phone last night. must have been asleep. it bothers me that i havent spoken to him in a week. maybe more. last night was the first night that i called. if he really wants to talk well he knows my number.... ^_^

Change is scary but isnt it also good? Its late and I need to get this out. I need to talk. I want to talk to troy so bad but he didn’t answer. Its been about two days since I last spoke to him and I already miss him. I havent seen him in almost a week and im going crazy. I was online again today and I was looking at more apartments for rent. One thing I know northeast san antonio is cheaper than northwest san antonio. Im really thinking about this. I really want to do this. Theres nothing that should stop me. Everyone does it. They go from living with their parents to living on their own and creating a life for themselves. But why is it so hard for me? Not only is my mother close to me but I am close to her. I dont know how its going to be when the time does come. I need to do this for myself. I need to. If I don’t then Im gonna remain stuck here. I know it. I have already wasted almost two years of my life doing nothing. Just working crappy jobs, staying at home, and fucking around with friends. That is not gonna get me anywhere. I need to go back to school and I cant down here. I cant save money. There always gonna be something that my mother needs whether its cat food or dog food or even detergent. I cant save while im helping them out. And I cant stand it. Whenever I say anything about wanting to leave or getting out she always says stuff to make me feel guilty to force me to stay. “when I die your gonna regret not being with me.” I hate that. It hurts cause I do feel guilty but at the same time I feel trapped and stuck. i just need out. im frustrated and the sooner im gone the easier it will be to breathe. i love troy. i love the fact that were together again and i love the fact that he's in my life again. without him i will still be doing the same thing. i know it. were good for each other cause i believe we can push each other and accomplish so much.

its crazy but im online right now looking at apartments in san antonio. i love it. ^_^ my love story.

a month and a week has passed since i started dating Troy. So far things are going great. I love it. I love him. he told me the exact same thing. i know we've havent been together for a while but we're already discussing about living together. we want to move to san antonio. i want to live my life already, be on my own, and go to school. i know i can trust him. it just crazy. but when do i know if its right? when do i know its not? i dont know if we'll stay together but i also dont know if we wont. i want to do this so bad. im not scared of being with him. the only thing im scared of is my family. i dont know what they're gonna think. it has to happen at one poinr or another right? oh i dont know, but what i do know is that i love him and he is what i want. i never want to say goodbye and i want him in my life. i want to share everything with him. im happy. this is what i needed in my life. he is what was missing.

its crazy. i remember listening to this song a while back. i listened to every word and couldnt help but think that maybe someday if im lucky someone might feel that way about me sometime in my life. its so crazy cause being with troy makes me happy. i miss him when im not with him and i never want to say goodbye when i am. even when we're talking on the phone. lol. it will take us forever to say goodbye and by the time we actually hang up about 30 minutes or more have already passed. we can stay up most of the night just talking. i dont know exactly what to say when im with him. im amazed that maybe there is someone out there that feels about me the way i always hoped they had. im dumbfounded. i dont exactly know why. i cant understand why he wants me. i shouldnt let anything bother me. being with him is what i want. i just cant wait to see where this may all lead. super scary but its really worth it. ^_^

so much has changed since i last posted anything. i know i dont use livejournal as much as myspace, but from now on i'm going to. ^_^ i created a link from my myspace profile onto my livejournal page. ok the last time i posted was back in march and well as you all know its october. lol. around may or so i stopped working at target. i realized that i was no longer happy there. thinking about it now i have also realized that there are certain things that i miss about it. the only thing i miss is working in the electronic scene. lol. pretty much it. around august i got another job and i still have it. about a week in a half ago almost two weeks i just started talking to troy again. ^_^ its funny how things turned out. before this i havent spoken to him since i was in 9th grade. he was my first boyfriend in highscool. we bcame friends in spanish class and then after weeks of torture he finally asked me out. lol. sort of. haha. things were going great but 6 months later he moved on to 11th grade i 10th and could no longer see him. anyways, i did a dumb thing and broke it off with him. stupid. we would see each other every once in a while after that at school but never spoke. it wasnt all that great. after he graduated he went on to attend school in san antonio and i did my own thing down here. i graduated highschool and started college at utpa. thing is i didnt like how things ended between us and to be honest i missed him. i always thought i would never get to see him and if i did what would i do. what would he do? anyways again, i was working at target one day and i saw him. i saw him a couple times after that too. not once could i go up to him and say hi. i left it at that thinking that he would not remember or worse not care.
a couple of weeks ago i got tired of wondering about him and so i decided to look for his myspace profile page. i found it and saw that it was active again. i did a drastic thing and sent him a friend request along with the dumbest message ever. to my surprise he responed and it went from there. lol. it hasnt been that long but i guess you can say that we forgave each other and started off where we left off years ago. we're together and its pretty cool. lol. i'll think about it from time to time and i still cannot believe that its all happening again. it feels like a written script or something. lol. its so crazy. anyways that is pretty much my highlight of the year. this whole thing. ^_^

i feel like im stuck. is this a normal feeling at all? should i feel this way? its quite annoying cause im at a point in my life like im stuck between what i want to do and what othert poeple expect me to do. i feel like im being forced not to live my life. i want to leave. i want to get out and start living. this world life itself has so much to offer you just have to get out there and live it. embrace it. sometimes it wont happen the way you want it to but hey thats LIFE. in the end you'll be sure to find yourself in a better place. you have to learn to deal with the struggle in order to be happy or at least content with yourself i dont want to be here anymore. i feel like theres nothing for me here. i want to be adventurous, i want to live and feel alive. more than anything i want to escape. maybe i shouldnt think about it this way but shouldnt we live as if were going to die the next day. as if our life is already over. the average life span of a human is maybe sixty or seventy. well then shouldnt that be reason enough. it may seem like a life stretched out so far but i highly doubt it. i mean not compared to the years of time. seriously. i just dont want to be deprived of any happiness there is at my finger tips. its there. so close i can feel yet i havent been able to get a hold of it. i dont want my life to be laid out for me. i dont want a blue print ready for construction. go to school, graduate, work, meet someone, marry, children.... no. i mean yes of course that chapter in my life will begin but i want to experience and see. the world alone has so much to offer and i all i want is to be able to live it.

i just started reading my past entries here on livejournal... and its been 3 years since. thats a lot of time off livejournal. i never realized it. well not much has changed since then. still the same me. dorky lovable weird me. lol. still read, watch korean novelas, play games, and photograph everything i can. haha. still having problems with men. well i can't necessarily call them men, no can i? lol. the guys from my past have been far from being real men. haha. bastards. ^_^ ive only had two real hurtful experiences since then and i do believe that i have learned a lot during. they had their moments but truth be told i dont want to go through it again. i think thats why i have discovered that im afraid to love. im just afraid to fall in love. i know i say this and i know its true, but the sad thing is i also know that when it happens it will just happen and theres nothing i can do about it. i will be forced to battle myself to decide whether or not i want to give it a chance or run. you know, just recently i met jorge. jorge is amazing. he makes me happy. he really does. he makes me feel like i can do so much and i love that. i just recently visited him in austin and it was by far the best. i didnt have to do anything cause just being with him was enough. i want to visit again and who knows maybe sometime soon. my phone has been disconnected and i havent been able to talk to him as much as i would like. but lately ive noticed that something has been off with him. he seems a lot more frustrated, a lot more aggravated. im just getting a little worried. im beginning to think maybe i should just give him a little space. i dont know why, i know it has nothing to do with me, at least i hope it has nothing to with me. i dont know when my phone gets connected i'll just let him know and we'll see what happens. space...just a thought. -monae

ok well i just got out from having the longest interview ever! wheew! its was 3 back to back. i was being interviewed for the Photo Lab Specialist position at Target. I really do hope i get it. I know I can do so much with those machines. I am able to maintain them and take care of them properly. Im still a little worried. Aside from me there were three other people who applied for the same position. i just hope its not like "its who you know and not what you know" there at the store. i guess we'll see. if for any reason i dont get it, well at least i tried. :( so nervous. ok lets something else other than this damn lab position.... so nervous! ^_^